I haven't written in awhile... It's been a tough month, I'm just now getting over a cold/ sinus infection that started a month ago, and what a long month it's been. I thought a long while about whether to blog about this particular subject, but the timing seems right and I think it's important to realize I'm not the only one who has gone through this.
Historically, fertility has been a vital part of a woman's worth. Her ability to bear children was one of her biggest assets. Infertility caused immense heartbreak for women then as now... While the focus of fertility has changed somewhat (my husband doesn't need me to give him sons as heirs or anything) the pain of not being able to easily conceive is still felt, and felt keenly...
We have been trying to conceive for over a year "with help." before that I hadn't been on birth control for nearly 4 years, letting nature take it's course. I've suspected for a while now that there was a problem. I mean, how can these "teen moms" on television get pregnant by accident so easily, and not me? I'm 25, not in bad shape... My husband is in excellent shape... So eventually we were referred to a reproductive specialist who ran about a million blood tests (okay- 16... but that's a lot of vials of blood!!!!) and dear husband had his "little men" evaluated (all his stuff is perfectly fine, by the way) and I had some lovely internal ultrasound thing (eeew). As it turns out, I have Polycycstic Ovary Syndrome. I don't have a lot of symptoms, but the problem is my hormones are out of balance and I'm not ovulating properly on my own... Come three rounds of clomid (a fertility drug to stimulate ovulation) and metformin (a blood sugar medication). Didn't work... onto IUI, we went straight to "injectables" where I had to give myself an injection of medication to stimulate ovulation from day 3 of my cycle until my follicles were big enough (all this monitored through more blood tests and more ultrasounds) when they were a good size I gave myself a "trigger" shot that was supposed to literally trigger ovulation 36 hours later. 36 hours later we went back to the office for the IUI proceedure, which included hubby's sperm being "washed" and prepped, then later put in me via catheter in the you know where... Very romantic right? Through the whole process my doctor was very optimistic I was having a great cycle, everything was perfect... We left the office feeling pretty good (except for cramps for me). Hubby was certain it would work... But it didn't. Even though I was taking 200mg of progesterone supplement my period showed up. Of course, I also got a faint positive on a pregnancy test the same day. Looks like it was "chemical" meaning the egg was fertilized but didn't implant. These are common, but that doesn't make it any easier. We went back to the doctor's office yesterday in hopes of starting another IUI cycle, but alas, there seem to be a mess of un-ruptured follicles lining my ovaries. Nice, right? So... no IUI this month. I took it as a sign... A few months ago my doctor and I spoke of the possibility that I might have endometriosis. I have a fair number of symptoms and risk factors.. and there is no reason this IUI shouldn't have worked out. The fun part is... The only way to diagnosis it is through laparoscopic surgery. The good thing is if they find anything, this is also the treatment so they get to do it all in one go.
So that's where WE are at. And I know that many others are going through the same process and have been though even more than I have. It's hard... but thankfully, technology and medicine have come a long way! I'm very hopefully, as much as I'm disappointed we haven't been blessed yet.
My first post was lost in the internet. And it took me a while to get the courage up to write again. I know that alot of women base their worth on their bodies in regards to sex and procreation. I was worried about whether or not I would be able to conceive when my hubby and I got married. I knew that there was a chance that something unforeseen might be 'wrong' with my body. But it only took a few weeks to conceive our son. I used to joke with my hubby that "Even the lesbians in my family have kids." But about ten months after my son was born I got pregnant with baby #2. And I lost the baby a few weeks before my son's first birthday. A miscarraige, especially a naturally occuring one at home is incredibly visceral and painful on many levels. I told everyone that there was no more baby and that I did NOT want to talk about it. I still found out that most women, nearly ALL women go through what I went to in different degrees. Alot of women may have a miscarraige without realizing it, just by having a late period or irregular periods. So many people shared their stories with my husband and I. I was surprised at just how many people deal with it. The second hardest part of losing baby 2 was when the due date rolled around. But now I recently found out I am expecting again. I am not as excited as I was before, in fact, I am not even very happy about it yet. Its like I don't want to be in love with this baby until I know for sure that I will get to keep it. This makes me sad, its alweays been easy for me to fall in love especially with my own children (Victor and baby 2). I know I will be tore up if I lose this baby too. But i can't help distancing myself from it in my own mind. I just want to let you know that even women that can and do have babies still deal with similar baby issues. I hope that things turned out well for you.
ReplyDeleteOh dear! I only JUST got this comment. THANK YOU!!!! for sharing your story. Any updates on the pregnancy? I'm praying it went well. Since writing this post, we have conceived and I'm so very thankful. I know what you mean though, I'm 16 weeks, and the thought of miscarriage is heartbreaking. The whole first trimester I was terrified and dreamed of bleeding. It was terrible. I'm still frightened, almost more so now that I've been seeing them and feeling them move (oh yeah... there are two!) if I lost them I would be totally devastated. I'm praying we deliver safe and healthy! You're in my thoughts as well, please give "us" an update if you feel so inclined. :)
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